


A Matter for Negotiation

by mandykaysfic



Series: The Irish Sex Fairy Says [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-12 22:37:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1203118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandykaysfic/pseuds/mandykaysfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Irish Sex Fairy says: 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Matter for Negotiation

**Author's Note:**

> The Irish Sex Fairy found its way into my inbox. It promises bad things if the email is not forwarded. Not wanting to risk bad things happening to my sex life, and also not wanting to fill up my friends' inboxes with spam, I passed it onto Voyager instead and this is the result.

“I don’t get it. She always looks good. No matter how many Kazon ships try to blow us up, no matter how many double shifts she puts in, she still looks great, while we look like something left out in the sun for a week.” Mariah Henley pushed back an errant lock of lank, dull hair and stared enviously at the chief engineer as she leaned over the pool table.

“Speak for yourself!” protested Sue Nicoletti. The two women were sharing a small table near the fireplace in Sandrine’s. “Although I’m not convinced the sonics do such a fantastic job on a person’s hair.” She patted the regulation-style bun she retained even though she’d been off-duty for several hours. It was easier to hide the frizzies that way.

“Do you think they use extra water, being senior staff? I mean, think about it. Torres and Janeway always look…you know, well, gorgeous. You’ve got to admit Torres’s hair is much nicer than your average Klingon’s.” 

“There’s your answer to that; she’s not your average Klingon. It's probably why some days her skin has that real translucent appearance. Something in the genes.”

“Janeway must be part Klingon then too. Her skin can look pretty translucent to me.” Mariah sighed and pushed her hair behind her ear again.

Sue snorted and shook her head. “It’s got to be the water. Think about it. The Delaneys have complained about their hair virtually non-stopsince we got stuck out here. Wildman’s is so dry the ends are breaking off. Jurot has taken to screwing hers up into such a tight bun it’s a wonder her eyes haven’t shifted to the side of her head. As for Brookes, she looks like she stuck her head in the core; it’s fifty times frizzier than mine. Actually, if you think about it, it seems to be the women who have a problem, probably because we’ve all got long hair.” 

“What about Neelix?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe he’s meant to look like that. Besides, isn’t he supposed to have regular bubblebaths or something that Tuvok organized for him?”

“Maybe we should ask Lieutenant Tuvok for bubblebaths as well. On compassionate grounds!”

“Couldn’t you just see that?” Both giggled over their drinks.

“Do you think we could petition Commander Chakotay for extra water rations? Perhaps we could apply for them on medical grounds. ‘Please, Sir, may we have some extra water rations?’” Henley fluttered her eyelashes as she begged in a higher-pitched imitation of herself. “‘And why would you need extra water rations, Crewman Henley?’” she asked in a deeper voice. “‘For purely medical reasons, Sir. To prevent an outbreak of insanity, Sir.’ God knows the Delaneys will drive me insane if they whine the whole way back home,” she said in her own voice and both women laughed again.

“It’s not the water.”

Mariah’s high-pitched gurgle became a choking sound whilst Sue, always having more control over herself, simply stopped laughing immediately. She looked up over her shoulder. “What?” The sharp demand left her lips before she realized who spoke.

“I said, it’s not the water that’s responsible for Captain Janeway and Lieutenant Torres’ shining hair and glowing complexions. I beg your pardon, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation.” The EMH loomed over the small table. “You would only be making fools of yourselves, not to mention wasting his time if you petitioned Commander Chakotay for increased water rations on medical grounds when water is not the solution for your problem.”

Mariah spluttered and drew breath in preparation for telling the Doctor in no uncertain terms to stay out of their conversation, when she felt Sue place a warning hand on her arm. She closed her mouth and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Obviously then, you know what is responsible,” challenged Nicoletti, showing some of the reason she was already a lieutenant.

“As a matter of fact -” The Doctor was interrupted by Sandrine, who came closer and joined in the conversation. 

“But, of course! It is something that all Frenchwomen know. Ze beautiful hair, ze perfect skin, ze bright eyes…it is because they ’ave ze regular orgasme, oui?” She turned to the Doctor for confirmation.

“I was simply going to explain that higher amounts of estrogen will improve the appearance and texture of a woman's hair and skin, but you are correct. Experiencing orgasm is a natural way for a female to raise her levels of estrogen. Starfleet regulations actually endorse this method for all female senior staff in preference to artificial estrogen supplementation. First impressions are important and while one should not judge another being on looks alone, it behooves all negotiators to look – and feel – their best.”

As the Doctor's explanation had continued, Mariah's arms had gradually relaxed, her jaw had dropped and her eyes had widened. An amused grin now covered her features. “We can start a book on this – who's responsible for raising the estrogen levels of Janeway and Torres. Maybe we can win enough credits to get some extra water so we can see about raising our own estrogen levels. After all, it's a Starfleet regulation. Let's see, Janeway and Chakotay will most likely be the favorite; two to one odds, wouldn't you think? We'll need to calculate odds for Janeway and Paris, Janeway and Tuvok, Janeway and Kim, long odds there. What about Janeway and Neelix? Do you think anyone would bet on them as a couple?”

“I did not provide you with this information so you could -” protested the Doctor.

Mariah interrupted, “How about Janeway and the Emergency Medical Hologram? Look, Doctor, it's bad enough we're going to be out here for years, but we are not prepared to spend it alone, getting more and more hag-like, and I can't see you being permitted to administer estrogen treatments to all of the unattached women on a regular basis as a beauty treatment. So, we need the extra credits to replicate more water to get a start on attracting someone to help us increase our estrogen levels naturally.”

A trill of laughter escaped Sandrine's lips. “Zere is always...” and she waggled her fingers. “You do not need ze water for that.”

Mariah pouted. “But it's more fun with someone else.” She looked at the Doctor and narrowed her eyes. “You're a hologram, you wouldn't be fazed by split ends and dry skin.”

The EMH drew himself up. “I'm a doctor, not a beauty treatment.” His nostrils flared and he stalked off.

Sandrine laughed again and took herself back to the bar. 

“Would you like to come back to my quarters and get the book started?” offered Sue. She cleared her throat. “I'm... not fazed by dry skin. I have some pretty good moisturizer that might help.” She spoke quickly. “We could perhaps work on our estrogen levels together as well, if you'd like.”

“Sure, okay, I'd like that. I think we've got something here; you've got the 'fleet perspective on the likelihood of various pairings and I can provide the Maquis take – what would the odds be for Paris raising the estrogen levels of both Janeway and Torres?” Mariah giggled again. “And I think we will be able to raise each other's estrogen levels just fine.” She raised her glass that held just enough synthale for one more mouthful. “Here's to having the shiniest hair on Voyager.” 

END


End file.
